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What is Self-Compassion?
Keritha Andrews • Oct 12, 2020

“Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering, failing, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism” (Neff, 2020). 


In other words, self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness, comfort, and acceptance when dealing with a loss, defeat or rejection. Some people find it extremely difficult to show themselves compassion out of fear of being selfish. However, when it comes to truly appreciating one’s self, self-compassion is necessary.


What Self-Compassion is Not


In order to practice self-compassion, we first need to understand what self-compassion is not. 


Firstly
, self-compassion is not self-pitying. Individuals who engage in self-pity often pity themselves by focusing solely on their own problems and often forget that others have problems as well. On the other hand, a compassionate person accepts their own pain along with the pain of others. 


Secondly,
self-compassion is not self- indulgence. As humans, we have an innate ability to overindulge ourselves; therefore, it’s understandable why people are afraid to show themselves compassion. Self- indulgence is when an individual “allows themselves to have anything they want or do anything without restrain” (Neff, 2020). However, a compassionate person is self-disciplined, sets personal boundaries, and knows their limits.

 

Thirdly, self-compassion is not self-esteem. Self-esteem is based on our sense of self-worth and our personal values whereas, self-compassion is a feeling all human beings must feel for themselves. Self-compassion is not self-esteem as no self-evaluation is involved (Neff, 2020). 


Why is Self-Compassion Important? 


Self-compassion has many benefits and it is often accompanied by empowerment and encouragement. When we are confronted with challenging times, self-compassion can prevent us from engaging in self-criticism or judgment. Additionally, self-compassion can help us to recognize discomfort and allows us to respond to ourselves with kindness. The purpose of self-compassion is to build resilience and learn skills helpful in facing difficult situations. 


Overall, self-compassion can help decrease the occurrence of mental health issues such as
anxiety, depression, insecurity, low self-esteem, and social comparison because those who practice self-compassion often feel more connected to themselves and others. 


How Do We Increase Self-Compassion? 

 

Here the six ways to increase self- compassion:


Practice Forgiveness

Self-compassion and forgiveness go hand in hand as they help to decrease the negative labels and blame that we place on ourselves. Allowing ourselves to experience this forgiveness frees us from these labels and allows us to be our authentic selves, feel less depressed, and feel more loving toward others. Additionally, self-compassion helps us accept that though we are imperfect, we are worthy human beings (Ohlin, 2020). 


Create a Positive Space in Your Mind

Self-compassion does not necessarily mean experiencing good feelings all the time. However, self-compassion is mindfully accepting that moments can be painful and responding to ourselves with kindness in those moments. Changing your mindset can turn what would typically be thought of as failures, mistakes, and suffering into life lessons and moments of growth. 


Expressing Self-Gratitude

When we can enjoy what is good about ourselves while acknowledging that we also have weaknesses and room to grow, we allow ourselves to appreciate our inherent goodness, without becoming arrogant or overconfident (Neff, 2019). Additionally, gratitude helps us to avoid comparing ourselves to others and allows us to appreciate what we have (Ohlin, 2020) and who we are. 


Be Kind to Yourself

Practicing self-compassion allows us to become aware of our own needs and wants and gives us a chance to show ourselves some generosity (Ohlin, 2020). How would you treat a friend? Would you say the things you say to yourself to a close friend? How might things change if you responded to yourself in the same way that you would to your best friend? 


Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness or mindful meditation can be a helpful tool in allowing us to decrease self-judgment and increase self-compassion. You can practice a simple breathing meditation by focusing on your breathing. When you breathe in, become aware of what you're thinking and feeling in the moment. When you breathe out, let the pain and negative thoughts and feelings go. As you breathe in again, try to replace the negative thoughts with compassionate phrases or positive affirmations.


Use Affirmative Language 

Here are some examples of compassionate phrases you can tell yourself to help increase self- compassion and quiet your inner critic.

  • I accept the best and worst aspects of who I am.
  • My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.
  • It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.
  • I am free to let go of others’ judgments.
  • It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.
  • I deserve compassion, tenderness, and empathy from myself.
  • I release myself with forgiveness and move forward with self-love.
  • I forgive myself and accept my flaws because nobody is perfect.

 

Self-compassion is calling on you to love, respect, cherish, and value yourself.



Written By:  Keritha Andrews, B.A. M. Psy Candidate

Edited/Reviewed byChantal Legere, M. Psy.  and Dr. Stacy Lekkos, C. Psych



References


Moore, Catherine (2020). How to practice self-compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips. Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/


Neff, Kristin (2020).
Self-Appreciation: The Flip Side of Self-Compassion. Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/self-appreciation-the-flip-side-of-self-compassion/


Neff, Kristin (2020).
What Self- Compassion is? The three elements of self- compassion. Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/#definition


Neff, Kristin (2020).
 What self- compassion is not. Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/


Neff, Kristin. D, Dahm, Katie. A. (N.D).
Self- Compassion: what it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness. Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/Mindfulness_and_SC_chapter_in_press.pdf


Ohlin, Brigit (2020, October, 13). F
ive Steps to Develop Self-Compassion and Overcome Your Inner Critic. Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-5-steps/      

                                 

Thebert, Tamara (2019, June 17th). Self- Compassion. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-compassion


Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR from Pexels

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By Erik Michalik 19 Jan, 2021
When an individual expects something to happen, many processes go on in our brains and bodies to meet these expectations.
man-sleeping
By Erik Michalik 20 Nov, 2020
Let’s put something into perspective here: each day consists of 24 hours. Of those, it is recommended that each person sleep approximately eight hours per night. According to these numbers, we spend one third of our entire lives asleep, yet for some reason the majority of us are choosing to ignore the importance of this inevitability. Sleep alone can improve our stress , memory functioning, alertness, mood, immune system, hormone functioning, and weight, to name a few. There are no quick fixes or super pills anyone can take for instant success but sleep is truly one of the closest natural aspects we can improve on in order to benefit almost EVERY aspect of our lives. So what can we do to improve our sleep? Define Your Why A recurring theme when deciding to make changes in our lives is defining our ‘why’. Any meaningful action requires meaning or purpose for it to be achieved. No matter how complex or simple it is, when you have a reason to do something, you are more likely to actually follow through with it. Remember to remind yourself why you want to focus on this area of your life. This will be particularly important when the going gets tough or if you fall victim of your previous routine way of functioning. Remember, meaningful change (in this case, sleep) does not happen overnight. Limit Blue Light Exposure Cutting out screen time before bed is one of the most effective ways to improve sleep quality. However, I’m fairly confident that most of you reading this will end the last moments of your night on a screen, whether it's a phone, computer, iPad, or the television. Throughout human evolution, humans evolved to be awake when the sun was up and to fall asleep when the sun went down. The problem with blue light specifically is that it has shown to stimulate the brain in areas that are active during alert day hours, disorienting the body’s natural preparation for sleep. Furthermore, blue light suppresses melatonin production (the hormone that makes you sleepy) and elevates cortisol (the hormone associated with stress ). Mariana Figueiro, PhD., found that two hours of screen time before bed displayed a suppression in melatonin levels in the brain (Figeuiro et. al., 2011). In fact, even when our eyes are closed, we have photo-receptors all over our skin that absorb light just as our retinas in our eyes would. Thus, having screens on anywhere around our sleeping areas is problematic. Tips to manage blue light exposure: Setting a screen time curfew Wearing blue light protective glasses Turn on blue light blockers on devices, i.e. phones and computers (f.lux and Nightshift are recommended for iOS users and Twilight for android users) Instead of watching TV, movies, or YouTube before bed, listen to a podcast or audiobook with the screen off or on sleep mode. Ensure your room is completely pitch black at night, with no lights on, curtains closed, and any technology still on should be covered. For those of you who sleep with a light on, it’s recommended to buy a red light for your bedroom. Not only do these look cool but red light on the visible light spectrum has been shown to have little to no effect on both melatonin and cortisol levels. This is hypothesized to be due to the fact that humans have evolved sleeping by fire throughout human history (Stevenson, 2016). Caffeine Consumption Before getting into what you can do to manage your caffeine consumption, let’s take a simplistic look at what caffeine actually does to the brain that impacts our sleep. During normal functioning hours, the brain slowly accumulates a chemical called adenosine that binds to receptors to slow down brain activity and make you feel tired. The longer you are awake, the more tired you feel. Where caffeine comes into play is that it is shaped very similarly to adenosine and it binds to brain receptors. When these receptors are blocked by caffeine instead of adenosine, this tricks the brain into thinking it's not tired. Caffeine has a half-life of about 6-8 hours. A standard cup of coffee has roughly 150g of caffeine in it. What this means is that after about 6-8 hours there is still about 75g of caffeine in your system. Therefore, the timing of your caffeine consumption is just as important as the quantity. With this being said, the best strategy involves setting a caffeine curfew in order to reduce the amount of caffeine in your system by bedtime. It is recommended to cut out all sources of caffeine approximately 8 hours before bed. This includes coffee, caffeinated teas, espresso, or any other source of caffeine. Change Your Mindset in Regards to Sleep Although the other two points mentioned will probably apply to most readers, this one was the most influential point towards improving my sleep. I associated sleep with a negative outlook, specifically with loss of time. I knew through research and extensive thought that if I was going to improve my quality of sleep I was going to have to change my mindset. That isn’t the easiest task, especially when you spend years of your life thinking you dislike something. Some things that I did that helped me with this was reinforcing my why . The more I thought about why I was addressing my sleep, the easier it became to desire wanting sleep. Once I slowly worked towards this, I found that my anxiety associated with loss of time began to reduce and I was able to associate sleep with a positive mindset. Meditate Mindfulness is the act of becoming aware in the present moment, without judgement. The practice of mindfulness through mindful meditation can provide an opportunity to create mental space at bedtime and to help you feel more relaxed. Mindfulness can also help you to cope with negative thoughts surrounding sleep and to help you shift your focus to your body and to be present. This technique is easily accessible by downloading free apps or using beginner guided sleep meditation videos on YouTube. Other Minor Tips to Improve Your Sleep Journaling is an excellent release before bedtime, especially if you are an over thinker. Letting out the thoughts on paper and getting them out of your head will allow you to focus more on sleep and less on what’s on your mind. Invest in a good mattress. As mentioned earlier, we are going to spend about one third of our lives sleeping so why not ensure that we get the best sleep possible? If you are not in an ideal financial situation at the moment, perhaps investing in a proper mattress isn’t realistic. For you, I suggest buying a memory foam topper or just a mattress topper. This is an inexpensive way to improve sleep quality. Sleep and wake at consistent hours. Our super complex yet lazy brain loves to work off of routines so do your brain a favour and go to bed and wake up around the same time. This will make the process easier on yourself and will make you less likely to give up from frustrations of not being able to accomplish what you set out to. Do not, and I repeat do not, do any work or eating or anything in your bed besides sleep. The brain works off of associations so don’t confuse your brain into thinking your mattress is an office, movie theater, or a kitchen table. This is just the beginning when it comes to ways to improve your sleep, as solutions often depend on one’s specific sleep challenges. However, trying any of these tips can be beneficial as improving our sleep is crucial to improving our physical and psychological well-being. Best of luck on your sleep journey and sweet dreams. Written By: Erik Michalik, M. Psy Candidate, BASc, Edited/Reviewed by : Chantal Legere, M. Psy References Figueiro MG, Wood B, Plitnick B, Rea MS. (2011) The impact of light from computer monitors on melatonin levels in college students. Neuro Endocrinol Lett .; 32(2):158-63. PMID: 21552190. Stevenson, S. (2016). Sleep smarter: 21 essential strategies to sleep your way to a better body, better health, and bigger success . New York, NY: Rodale Books. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
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