Death is not something that can be dismissed; it is part of our life cycle. For children, it can be hard to understand the concept of death and can be overwhelming to feel various levels of grief. For parents, it can be difficult to navigate their children’s grief while also processing their own feelings of bereavement. It’s crucial to recognize that since children understand death differently than adults, their reactions to grief may also be different. Similarly, what they need to cope and become resilient after the death of a loved one also varies from what an adult might need.
Research has shown that there are several ways to foster resilience in children after the loss of a loved one. Resilience can be defined as “the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, or significant sources of stress” (American Psychological Association, 2011). Pizzolongo & Hunter (2011) note that the best way to foster resilience in young children is to promote protective factors that can help to buffer the negative effects of stress.
Below are some ways that you can support your child and foster resilience:
Model Behaviors
Whether we’re aware of it or not, children are always watching us. Allow yourself to show your feelings to your children and demonstrate ways in which you are coping with your own grief. By modeling these behaviors, children are encouraged to talk about their own feelings and learn new ways to regulate these emotions. Most importantly, taking care of yourself first will allow you to better support your child.
Develop Coping Skills
Acknowledge that your child will likely experience a range of emotions in response to grief and they will need guidance on how to cope with these feelings. Without learning how to regulate these emotions, children are likely to have outbursts of strong feelings, turn to unhealthy coping strategies as they get older, or avoid their feelings altogether. Therefore, introducing coping skills can assist children in developing emotional self-regulation, which can better prepare them to deal with stressful situations. Some emotion-focused coping skills for children include labeling their feelings, practicing breathing exercises, participating in physical activity, playing a game, engaging in yoga, playing music, watching a funny video, or using a “calm” kit (Morin, 2020). You can create a “calm” kit with your child by filling a box with items that engage their senses like a stress ball, good smelling lotion, a coloring book, or whatever else your child would like to add. This will allow your child to have the tools to calm their body and mind when they are feeling anxious, angry, or overwhelmed.
Retain Memories and Connection
Helping children retain memories of the person who has died allows them to feel connected. These connections can be maintained through spirituality but can also be done through planning regular activities aimed at remembering a loved one. Some ways to continuously remember a loved one could be looking at pictures, keeping an item which belonged to them, talking about them, or spending time in one of their favorite places. Ask your child for input on ways that they would like to regularly honor the memory of the person you’ve both lost.
Promote Family Support
A family's emotional state plays a crucial role in determining how a child will respond to a situation. When facing adversity, it’s incredibly important for families to stick together and demonstrate a supportive and safe environment, as the way in which families manage grief will influence all members. Recognize that each member of a family will grieve differently and establish a non-judgmental space where each member can grieve in their own way. Additionally, continuing a sense of routine within the family unit can help children feel a sense of control and security.
Unfortunately, we cannot protect our children from the pain that losing a loved one brings. However, what we can do is help children navigate the process of grief and feel safe. Recognize that each child will grieve in their own way and realize that grief is a continuous process. Be sure to have ongoing conversations with your child about how they are feeling, showing unconditional love and support. Most importantly, remember to check in with your own feelings and don’t be afraid to seek help if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Written By: Mary Zamil, RP (Qualifying), M.A., B.A. (Hons)
Edited/Reviewed by: Chantal Legere, M. Psy. Candidate, B.A. (Hons) and Dr. Stacy Lekkos, C. Psych.
References
American Psychological Association. (2011). Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers. www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx.
Morin, A. (2020, April 3). Coping Strategies for Kids. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/coping-skills-for-kids-4586871
Pizzolongo, P. J., & Hunter, A. (2011). I Am Safe and Secure Promoting Resilience in Young Children. YC: Young Children, 66(2), 67–69
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